i am the master of my fate; i am the captain of my soul

i made a new livejournal. same bitching, different name.
eppursimuov.livejournal.com

the days have been good, but i've been such a waste. i've turned into some sort of lush. i drink every night and sleep until half the day is over. this is no life to be living.

i'm just trying to distract myself i guess. the only thing is it makes me focus more on the things i'm trying to leave behind than when sober.
or maybe it's just the head change, the whole not feeling quite myself thing that makes me want to be drunk more and more.

i know there's nothing REALLY wrong with me, i just need something else. something that lasts more than a month and won't make me feel like i'm a piece of shit the majority of the time.

 it has only come to my attention as of last night that i make most things worse. me being around is not a good idea at all. 

i need to get a job soon or i'm going home.

forget a long ass story. long story short, i'm a pushover and in the process of trying to just keep everyone happy i continue to piss more people off completely unintentionally. half the people that i hang out with on a regular basis currently think i suck for something that never happpened. the past few weeks have definitely been a clusterfuck of horrible events.

OH! and my ipod which occupies lets say 60% of my life while awake is broken. perfect timing for everything. the holidays never do me good.

 

with a hint of rebellion in my blood, i walk out the door with a slam, out to the parking lot, get in my car and sit.
i know the car won't start, but it's so much better to be out.
he walks out of the house and looks down the street, half hoping i'll be around i'm sure, but in my mind i'm too many miles gone, breathing away everything that could possibly keep me rooted to this place.
sitting on the top step, he sets his head in his oversized hands. oh god how i wish i were holding them, but i breath that shit away.
everything i hope he's feeling, i have felt countless times before. that longing and wanting and feeling of restlessness and hopelessness and loneliness.
i've always tried to tell him that together we wouldn't have to be any of those things, and i honestly thought that. what a terribly young and foolish way to think of things.
he gives up his moment of self-pity and turns for the door. it's no surprise he thinks that tonight is just the start of our demise, but i've felt so without him for months now.
all i can clearly recall is it began with his hips pressed into mine. passion-ridden and harmfully pressed into mine.


i wrote this over a year ago. i haven't written anything since.
so much for keeping up with anything.

i'm fucking taking control of my life. i'm determined. i won't let some guy whispering sweet nothings into my ear change my mind.

i'm getting stronger mentally while my lungs are very slowly withering away. the horrible thing is i can feel it. all that gunk in my lungs and throat that i have to cough up in the morning isn't exactly the most attractive thing to see. you win some, you lose some i s'pose.

so while everyone is at their homes with their families, i'm fasting this thanksgiving. either that or i'm going to make a mini-feast for myself. either way i'll have the house to myself for once.
i just went to my brother's girlfriend's house to sit around with a bunch of people i used to hang out with. other than watching aladdin i got to listen to them talk shit about everyone, even eachother. this is why not being in logan is so awesome

i finally took charge. i made a decision and i intend to stick by it.
i just need to not become a floozy.

life is great. really, it is.
the only thing that sucks is trying to push my shoulders back because chestpieces are incredibly inconvenient.

other than that i'm a happy gal. there is no reason for me to be sad at all.
YEA!


or something like that.

i just want things to fucking chaaaaaange.
i don't want to leave boston. but leaving here soon is probably the best idea possible. because i'm dumb.
anyway, i just don't want to go home. 
i want to stay gone as long as possible which i guess isn't too long considering i have less than $100 with me.

all's well that ends well.
i really hope this ends well.

so i guess things change. they evolve. they progress.
or things stay the same and they hide in you and they eat you from the inside out.

6 stories and a few hours and everything they were saying about you. you were charming, you were witty, you were hilarious and so so nice. those things, you were. everything they mentioned and everything i added is all gone.

what is it that's killing off everyone?
 

if i could only tell you how things have been changing.
following the Buddhist method of taking each day, day by day, i've been waking up and declaring that it would be a wonderful day and it has been every single time.

i am absolutely, 150 percent in love with life for the time being. it has nothing to do with boys. it has nothing to do with friends. it has nothing to do with anyone or anything else at all.

i am finally, for the first time in my life, so very happy with who i am and the way i've been. we've got a breakthrough here, people!

i love myself and it feels great to be able to say that.
oh, and the boys and friends aren't too bad either haha.

ahhhhhh there are so many things i wish i were. not because it's not obtainable. actually, it's the exact opposite. i could be the things that i would like to and need to be just as soon as i grow up... figuratively speaking.

it's getting colder. much, much colder. i can already feel how this winter's gonna be. i just hope that it gets better.

maybe i am constantly trying to run away from things. maybe that's why i really want to be gone for a while. but how would it change for me otherwise? i've done all i can. now there's nothing left to do but leave.
it's just after you've pretty much hit everything head on and it stays the same or it gets even worse, what IS left for you to do?
just stay around and consistently do what you've consistently done without a difference for years and years longer?

i don't know which is weaker. sticking around for a while and letting all this bullshit plow me over no matter what i try, or getting away from it before it hurts me.

i'm continuing to make an absolute ass out of myself.
it just really sucks that it takes someone a step below telling me to fuck off before i catch on that i'm not exactly welcome there.

i have some growing up to do.

i am fucking fourteen all over again.
that's the last time i remember feeling this dumb.
if you had any idea whatsoever. goddammit i hate this.

i'm still so drunk.
i got blackout drunk last night. i have no idea what happened at all and all i want to do is find my jacket and scarf and get the fuck out of this house.

walking in on him and her was real fucking awkward.
i hope i don't remember what i'm talking about when i wake back up.

i'm sure i'm not alone in that i was hoping today would be much more than it was.
i turned 18. but i'm still just as young as i was a day ago.

i wish there were some kind of stepping stone you had to cross everytime you aged a year. like life-threatening quests and wild life adventures,

i just want to feel different. a little piece of life more whole.

but i just feel indifferent again. and more like a boy with this short hair that i don't like anymore.
i didn't mind it at first, but then i realized that my inability to stand up for much of what i think would lead me to care too much what everyone thinks. of course, i care too much.

i've stopped talking as much. i'm letting myself become less a friend to everyone...again.
i'm sure hanging around a high, wordless, seeminly lifeless person wouldn't exactly be a blast.

i don't want to sleep. i want to stumble on the beginning of a life adventure.

i would just like to note that my only birthday wish isn't at all plausible. meaning, definitely not happening. which is probably for the best.

it's my 14th summer all over again.

so i've pretty much figured out what i want my next tattoo to be.
or the one after my next rather.
who knows. maybe my next.

ANYWAY. i know it's already done (obviously) but this is completely badass and i at least want something similar

so... there you go.
man am i going to end up being a clusterfuck of tattoos.

life is real real real good.

WILL BE SPECTACULAR
cause i'm sure next week will be shit.

writerightrwriterightwriterightrightwrightrightrightrightrightrightrightright

write

right

write

i

cant

wright

goddammit.

you'd think someone with such a huge secret wouldn't be such an asshole.
maybe because he knows i won't ever say anything. because i won't.
if only i had it in me enough to be that much of a bitch.
if only they knew.